


I feel like I'm the worst

by jarvis_ismy_copilot



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Tony Being Tony, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 23:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14389374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarvis_ismy_copilot/pseuds/jarvis_ismy_copilot
Summary: ....so I always act like I'm the best.Tony isn't used to good things lasting in his life. Naturally, it shouldn't come as a surprise when Pepper leaves him after he causes her a near panic attack one too many times. Only it does. How stupid he had been, thinking he wouldn't fuck it up.Good thing he has the Avengers (bar Thor, seriously where is the guy?) in the Tower, so he's not alone.





	I feel like I'm the worst

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have never experienced panic attacks or anxiety attacks. I've looked it up but honestly I still haven't figured out the difference between them or if there even is any. I don't know how someone copes with them or how to help someone experiencing them, so I apologize profusely in advance if I've got it wrong.
> 
> Also: if you want to yell at me about Tony Stark and the awesome, blessing of a human being he is, find me on tumblr @baked_x_potato.

Metal fingers grip the nuke tightly in their hold. He puts all of his force into steering the nuke upwards towards the hole in the sky, managing to do it with sheer force of willpower alone at this point. Tony can feel the weariness in his body but also the strain on his conscience when the thought of failing flashes through his mind, the mental image of all those innocent people dying because he wasn't strong enough, he wasn't quick enough, he wasn't smart enough, he wasn't _enough_. A cold feeling takes over his heart, but it only serves to push Tony harder, more determined than ever to have the nuke fuck off into space, away from here, anywhere but here oh god please-

JARVIS' voice is rambling numbers and statistics and reports on the armour in his ear but it's all white noise to Tony. All he can think about is the possibility of failing. Failing the people of New York, failing Pepper, failing Phil, failing the team. And that's just hilarious, isn't it? How just over an hour ago he wanted nothing to do with this dysfunctional, sorry excuse for a team and it took a nuke, _a freaking nuke_ to consider them one, let alone actually care about failing them.

Tony has a moment to think about calling Pepper and telling her- what, exactly? Say sorry? Say goodbye? I love you but saving people is more important and if it takes me sacrificing my life to achieve that then so be it? Tony doesn't get the chance to decide on what to tell her, let alone actually call her, because he's suddenly facing the wormhole and he's about to enter space through a space-dimensional hole in the freaking sky and possibly die, his body never to be retrieved because it's fucking space for god's sake what is he doing-

"Don't wait for me. If you need to close it and I haven't returned yet then you do it," Tony says into the comms, his voice only wavering slightly so he calls it a win.

"Stark, what are you-"

"Do it, Romanov," Tony cuts Cap off because he can't take his protests right now. It's either _he_ dies or millions of innocents die because of a lunatic with brother issues. The choice is obvious.

"You've got my word, Tony," Romanov replies over the sound of Cap's attempts to get Tony to change his mind.

"It was nice working with you, Cap."

"Stark, don't-" Tony doesn't hear the rest of what surely was a heartfelt speech, complete with tears and manly hugs and everything, because suddenly he's in space, flinging the nuke towards the alien spaceships, his comms cut off. Tony has exactly one second to breathe a sigh of relief before he's falling backwards, plummeting the way he came from. JARVIS stops responding and soon his voice cuts off for good as well and Tony can hear nothing, can feel nothing, can see nothing but the sensation of gravity pulling him down down down. Wait, gravity? He wants to open his eyes and check because last time he checked there was no gravity in space but his eyes feel so heavy and he just can't get himself to open them.

Tony feels the weight of the armour pushing down on his chest as he's falling and falling but it's vague and hazy and not quite there. Then he doesn't feel anything at all and darkness surrounds him.

* * *

  
The next time he opens his eyes it's to see Rogers' worried face looking down at him then smiling in relief. Tony's head is pounding like hell and his limbs feel like they're made of lead but he's alive and so is everyone else and the nuke is definitely not in Manhattan so he can't bring himself to care. Tony says something when he comes to although he can't remember what for the life of him; he supposes it's something dumb and sarcastic, anything to dispel the tension caused by him almost fucking dying in space for god's sa-

Nope, not going there. Definitely not right now. Tony needs at least a bottle and a half of some strong booze (and not the cheap stuff he drinks for Pepper's sake because look, he's trying, he's not an alcoholic anymore, Pepper, you can love him now) and maybe a 56 hour session of tinkering with the suit in his workshop- and definitely not avoiding his issues, JARVIS, what are you even insinuating?- before he can even think about thinking about it, let alone actually doing it and/or doing something about it.

Tony also thinks Thor and The Hulk are there as well although he can't be sure. He doesn't stay awake for long enough to celebrate, though, because the world seems to be spinning at a very high speed around him and Tony has the sudden urge to close his eyes and sleep. "Stark? Stark, please stay awake. The medics are on their way, just try not to close your eyes. Stark? Stark! Tony, don't close your eyes!" Tony thinks he can hear Cap say to him although that's stupid because Cap doesn't call him Tony, he hates his guts. But sleep, sleep sounds good. Actually, it seems like the only sensible thing to do. He defeated Loki, he killed aliens, he saved the world. Tony thinks he deserves some sleep. So he closes his eyes and does just that.

* * *

  
Tony is used to waking up in strange places. Granted, he hasn't done that for years now, not since Afghanistan, but it doesn't surprise him when he opens his eyes to find himself somewhere unknown. Tony's heart does skip a beat- or several beats- at first but the beeping of the heart monitor and the humming of other medical equipment soothes his panic and he relaxes in his bed. Tony tries to open his eyes, but it takes so much effort and they feel like they're made of lead. He intends to go back to sleep and let the world Tony Stark-less for a little longer but the sound of voices trying- and failing- to talk in hushed tones on the other side of the door has his mind on full alert, suddenly feeling wide awake.

Tony opens his eyes to take in the room he's in but only for a second before closing them again for fear of someone walking in and realizing he's awake. For some unknown reason, Tony feels like letting whoever is arguing outside his room- someone who sounds suspiciously like Pepper- know he's awake wouldn't be a genius move on his part. Better to delay the inevitable, that's Tony's policy.

Straining his ears and forcing himself to focus on the voices, Tony stills in his bed. He's not even breathing, fearing it would disturb the sounds, and he's awarded for it. They- the people talking outside- don't seem to be arguing with each other now that he can hear them better, more like they're arguing _together_. About what, Tony has yet to hear, but given that one of them is definitely Pepper something tells him that the answer is him.

"-ow could he just do that, Steve?" Pepper says and wow, _Steve_? Last time he checked, Pepper hadn't met Capsicle until like, today, so what was up with the first name basis? "And he didn't even bother to call me before he-he.." Her voice breaks with a hiccup, making guilt lurch in Tony's throat. He knows he should've called Pepper, he knows. He could've died without saying goodbye, without apologizing, without anything. It wasn't fair to Pepper, Tony knows that. But what _had_ there been to say, anyway? Maybe it had been guilt, maybe it had been selfishness or maybe something else, but the deed was done. No reason crying over spilt milk.

Tony winces at the thought, guessing it would probably be a good idea not to tell _Pepper_ that.

Or Cap, apparently.

"What Tony has done was indeed stupid and reckless. He went against my orders, didn't even wait to _hear_ said orders before he took the weapon and flew it and himself into space. You have every right to be angry and upset, Miss Po- Pepper.

"But," and here Tony's heart flip flops with hope, "he did save New York City. I don't like his approach any more than you do, but what he did was heroic and courageous."

"But I don't care about heroism, Steve! I care about my damned boyfriend who almost got himself killed! Without even telling me before doing it!"

Tony can't take hearing them anymore, his policy flying out the window. He reaches towards the panic button, pressing it and waiting for a nurse to come to him. He'd rather get it over with now, actually, which is a first. But hey, he's done worse things before- does Palladium poisoning ring any bells?- and Pepper has forgiven him. Maybe he can salvage his relationship with her this time round too.

It doesn't take long for a nurse to open the door and stride in, steps hurried. She looks worried and on alert, expecting the worst but as she sees Tony is in perfect condition- well, perfect considering everything- and doesn't seem to be in any excruciating pain at the moment, her face settles in a professional expression, calm and collected.

"Hello, Mr. Stark. Nice of you to join us once more," she tells him while taking a look at the bag his IVs are attached to and checking his heart rate.

"Nice to be back. How long have I been here for?"

"Exactly three hours. The damage sustained by your body wasn't as bad as it could've been, given the circumstances of your injuries, but it was bad enough to require hospitalization. And before you ask," the nurse lifts a finger to stop Tony, "you will be out of here by tonight with the promise to take your medication and come for a checkup in a week."

Tony squints at the nurse, trying to figure out if he's seen her before, maybe on one of his rare visits to S.H.I.E.L.D. medical, but he comes short. Maybe his distaste for hospitals is well-known to the medics and nurses at S.H.I.E.L.D. to know that Tony wouldn't hesitate to call one of his suits to get out as soon as possible if he _were_ detained for more than a day. Regardless, Tony's more than satisfied with the answer and simply nods at the nurse, saving his energy for when Pepper inevitably barges in, screaming bloody murder at him for nearly dying in space.

Throwing one last look to make sure Tony's nice and comfortable, the nurse exits the room just like she entered. Not even a minute later Pepper opens the door again, not wasting any time and going up to him. Tony keeps quiet, letting her get out everything in her system before even attempting to put in his two cents. She takes a look at him, at the cast on Tony's left arm and the bruises on his face, glancing briefly at the IVs in his veins and her face absolutely crumbles, starting to sob almost immediately. Something squeezes in his chest, wanting nothing more than to hold Pepper and soothe her worries, because he's here and he's alive and he's saved all those people and that's what matters. But he knows even attempting to do such a thing would result in nothing good, so instead Tony sits back and waits patiently for the crying to stop and the yelling to begin.

Pepper recovers in record time. When she looks up at Tony for the second time, her face is set in an angry expression, seeming to be carved out of stone. This should've been the first sign that this wasn't going to be just a regular 'yell at Tony for being reckless and ignorant of Pepper's feelings but make up with him because he'd die within a day without her' kind of conversation. Tony remains, however, blissfully unaware- at least until Pepper opens her mouth, that is.

"I can't do this anymore, Tony. I'm breaking up with you."

Well. That's certainly the last thing Tony would've expected to come out of Pepper's mouth. It takes a while for his brain to catch up with what she's said but when he does he's still not sure he's heard her right.

"What?" Tony says, voice hollow. It sounds far away to his own ears.

Pepper sighs. "I can't keep worrying over your wellbeing every time you get called in, Tony. I can't just let you go and stay behind, having to twiddle my thumbs while you're away saving the world and possibly killing yourself, without even having the decency to tell me beforehand.

"I love you, you know I do, and I probably always will. But this relationship is toxic for me, Tony. It breaks my heart to do this, but I've got to do what's best for me."

Tony tries to breathe, he really does, but his body doesn't seem to want to listen to him right now. He struggles to stay calm, to not let Pepper know just how much it's breaking _his_ heart because she's right. She should put herself first, not Tony. Why would she, anyway?

"Is it because of this?" Tony asks quietly and he's almost too afraid to hear the answer.

"No," Pepper says. "Not fully, at least. This has been something I've realized a while ago, the toxicity of our relationship I mean. This has just been the tipping point for me.

"Don't take this the wrong way, Tony, but you lean too much on me. You are dependent on me for everything, even eating and sleeping! This is too one-sided and it's not helping anyone. You need to work out your problems by yourself first, Tony. But," she says before Tony has a chance to, "that doesn't mean I'll be here when you eventually do. I won't be waiting for you, Tony. I can't. I deserve better than this, and I think you will agree with me."

Tony nods, not trusting the tightness in his throat not to give him away. Pepper doesn't say anything more, seeming to think it's about enough, and Tony doesn't either. He doesn't know what to say, and even if he did he doesn't think he'd be able to get one word in without breaking apart.

When it becomes apparent to Pepper that Tony isn't going to say anything more, she sighs and turns back to exit the room. Her hand hovers over the knob and she turns around.

"I hope we can still be friends, though. I still care about you, Tony."

That's the last thing Tony wants to hear right now but it still makes him love her even more. Which is definitely not the thing he should do right now.

"Sure, Pep," Tony says, reply uncharacteristically short. He can't bother with more right now, but Pepper seems pleased anyway so it doesn't matter. She opens the door and steps out, shutting it behind her and leaving a trace of her perfume lingering in the air.

Tony closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and tries to hold in his tears. 'Starks don't cry,' his father reminds him in an angry, alcohol-distorted voice.

When a knock sounds at the door, followed by Cap's voice, Tony pretends to be sleeping. The last thing he needs after his talk with Pepper is Cap yelling at him too. For some weird reason, Tony can feel Cap lingering in the room for a minute more, for what reason only God knows, before stepping out and closing the door gently behind him.

Tony lets out a shaky sigh and sinks further into the blankets, letting darkness take over him for the third time that day, wishing the first had been for good.

* * *

  
When Tony comes to again it's a few hours later. The sun is going down, casting a purple glow over the room through the crack in the curtains. Silence greets him, only disturbed by the sound of pencil scratching paper on his right. Head heavy with sleep and something else- which Tony isn't even remotely inclined to ponder on right now- he turns his head to find the source of the noise. To say he's surprised to see Rogers sitting in a S.H.I.E.L.D. issued chair by his bedside sketching something in a sketchpad he vaguely remembers seeing on the Hellicarrier before shit went down would be an understatement. However, the capsicle doesn't seem fazed by Tony's sudden wakefulness and, although Tony knows for a fact that he's aware of it, he doesn't make any move to acknowledge Tony.

Thus, Tony responds in kind and doesn't say anything either. Instead, he chooses to watch him sketch away god knows what, brown eyes following the movement of the pencil on paper and noting the obviously practiced ease with which Rogers draws. It's mesmerizing, really, to watch the old man draw- he remembers seeing somewhere in his file Cap had been an art student before Project Rebirth although his father had never seemed focused on the more _human_ aspects of the almighty Captain America so it came as a surprise to Tony when he read that in his file- and Tony loses himself for a moment, just watching, observing, admiring.

Sure, Tony still kind of hates the supersoldier, and it's not even about their exchange of words on the Hellicarrier- those words had been honest and really, what could Tony have expected from an old-fashioned guy like Rogers anyway? Tony's reputation didn't exactly help either so for a first impression those words had been pretty high up on his list (regardless of the sting they brought in reality)- it has more to do with his father, if he's being honest. Realistically, Tony knows it's not exactly the old man's fault his father had neglected and- some would dare say- abused him during his childhood simply because Tony could never live up to Captain America. But after the day he's had, Tony is in no mood to rationalize his thoughts and feelings so for now he's at the "hate Steve Rogers' guts" phase.

Tony tries to swallow but a violent cough is startled out of him. His throat feels so dry that for a brief second he gets flashbacks of Afghanistan after escaping and walking aimlessly around, waiting for Rhodey to find him. The moment comes and passes before his brain has time to process it and work itself up into a panic attack, though.

Rogers looks up from his drawing with an alarmed look almost immediately and he's on his feet faster than he can punch Hitler in the nose, grabbing a plastic cup and filling it with water then handing it over to Tony once he's got the coughing under control enough to take a tentative sip. Tony nods his thanks at Rogers before drinking the rest of the water in small but greedy gulps. Before he has time to ask for a refill, the ultimate boy scout is already there doing just that. Tony can feel an eyebrow raising in question before he even has time to rationalize the act then takes the cup slowly and drinks it as well, at a slower pace this time. Tony's gesture makes the blond blush faintly and duck his head to hide it. He's doing a poor job of it since it starts from the tip of his ears and disappearing below the collar of his zipped hoodie so if it wasn't obvious before now it certainly is.

Not feeling in the mood for teasing, Tony lets it slide, choosing to focus instead on the rest of his water. When he's finished, he hands it back to Rogers to put on a nearby table.

"Thanks," Tony says. His voice is still a little scratchy but it should go back to normal in no time. "What..what are you doing here?"

The other man seems confused for a moment then, as if remembering where he is and who he's with, sobers up and answers, "I'm keeping you company until you're discharged, what does it look like?" His voice is probably meant to come out as joking or at least some form of lighthearted but in reality it sounds like a reprimand, like Cap is **this** close to snapping at him and he's just holding himself back. Tony doesn't know what exactly is up with Rogers and his inability to make friendly conversation without picking a fight- he lets it go because he's not exactly in the mood for one anyway- but he can see it in Rogers' eyes that he doesn't know either. Maybe they truly got off on the wrong foot earlier.

"Yeah, I get that," Tony tries so hard not to roll his eyes. "But why are you still here? You've seen that I'm alive and in one piece, so why are you wasting your time around? I don't need a babysitter."

A flash of _something_ crosses over Rogers' eyes but it's gone in the blink of an eye.

"I know you don't, you're a grown man. And I'm not wasting my time. You're part of my team and you got injured on my watch. Besides, you're alone here so it's the least I can do."

Great, guilt. That's the last thing Tony needs or _wants_ from anyone.

"Look, Rogers. I don't need you feeling responsible for me. I did what I did because it was the right thing to do. I don't need anyone thanking me or feeling guilty or whatever other righteous crap you've got prepared. In fact," Tony raises his voice to cut Cap off, "I don't even want people to know _what_ I flew through the wormhole. It wouldn't erase all the hatred anyway, so there's no point freaking them out. So you can leave, I'm a big boy."

They maintain eye contact for a while, neither willing to avert their eyes. In the end, Rogers is the one to give up with a resigned sigh. He gets up from his chair, picks up his pencil and sketchbook and turns around.

"Fine, have it your way," he says as he walks away from Tony's bed, opening the door and exiting without looking back. Something twists inside Tony but he ignores it. Pepper left him- for good reason at that- but he's not alone. Or helpless. He's got Happy and Rhodey and JARVIS. Dum-E and U are going to help him around the workshop when he finally gets out of here and everything will go back to normal. He's got a Tower to rebuild -and possibly redesign now that he's thinking about it- and no time to waste weeping over a failed relationship. It's his fault, really, that he's had hopes in the first place. He should've known happiness isn't for Starks.

Tony's mind is instantly immersed in ideas for how to rebuild the Tower and new things to equip it with, fingers itching for a tablet or a screwdriver to start working immediately. And if the hollowness in his chest is still there, an ever present ache, then that's his business and he can ignore it any way he so chooses.

* * *

  
The week until his checkup is due passes in a flash with Tony already neck deep in plans for the brand new Avengers Tower (the A that survived Loki's attack had given Tony an idea. And since his name seems to be so cursed and destroy everything related to it- the attack being proof of that- Tony thought maybe if the Tower were named after the Avengers it would fare better). In between the plans for reconstruction, Tony's also been focusing on improving the suit, the Mark 253 but who's counting, right? The one he wore during the Battle of New York as people liked to call it- maybe one day kids will learn about it in their history books, wouldn't that be something?- had to be more or less butchered with what looked suspiciously to Tony like one Captain America's shield. Well, Tony muses, they had to get him out of it somehow, after all. Besides, he'd been thinking of making a new suit for some time before the attack so he can't really bring himself to care all that much- aside from the obvious pang he feels in his chest because it's one of his babies after all.

At first, Tony is reluctant about even showing up for his checkup. It's not like S.H.I.E.L.D. are gonna hunt Tony Stark down to take his cast off- which he already took care of like a day after he was released. What? Tony is a busy man who needs both of his hands to work, he can't help it- and see how well his bruises and cracked ribs healed. It's just S.H.I.E.L.D.'s luck today, though, because Tony's schedule is clear. The plans and blueprints are finished and have been handed over to the construction team to begin building, he finished the Mark 253 this morning and JARVIS is in the process of assembling it, and Tony truly, honestly doesn't have anything else to distract himself with and use as an excuse to ease his conscience when he avoids his responsibilities.

Therefore, when JARVIS so kindly reminds him of his checkup and informs him of his clear schedule in a definitely not reproachful way, Tony finds himself sighing and telling the AI to call one of his self driving cars up front to drive to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ. The trip there is short, especially with Tony speeding shamelessly on the streets and then the highway. He's maybe an hour earlier than he should- for once JARVIS' habit of reminding him of appointments an hour earlier at the very least has turned out to work against Tony- but he knows he'll be let in as soon as he knocks on the doctor's office door.

Just as expected, the doctor who patched him up a week ago lets him in, practically ushering Tony inside her office as if afraid he'll disappear otherwise, a look of surprise mixed with relief washing over her face the minute she sees him.

"Come in, come in, Mr. Stark. Take a seat," she gestures to the chair facing her desk then sits back down. Tony closes the door behind him then eases himself in the plush chair.

"Thank you, Dr.," Tony glances at her name tag before continuing, "Young. I hope you don't mind I took the cast off." He knows he doesn't really give a fuck even if she does, and so does she because she shakes her head.

"No, it's okay. I'll just need to check your arm over and make sure it's healed properly so far."

Dr. Young looks Tony in the eyes to get his approval and after his short nod she stands up, goes around the desk and takes his left arm gently in hers. She lifts the sleeve of his shirt up before turning his arm this way and that, occasionally prodding in certain places and asking him what it feels like and if it hurts. She asks Tony to bend his arm and flex it certain ways before she's satisfied and makes him take the shirt off for good to check his back and torso.

It takes no more than ten minutes for Dr. Young to finish her checkup, coming back behind her desk and sitting down on her chair. She takes a prescription paper and writes down a few painkillers he can take if and when his arm starts to ache and a gel he should apply for the next couple of weeks or so. Tony takes it from her although he doesn't plan on taking any of those things, and nods at her in thanks.

"Thank you, Dr. If there isn't anything else you'd like to tell me then I'll be on my way," Tony says as he starts to stand up.

"No, that'll be it, Mr. Stark. If you experience any kind of unexplained pain that doesn't go away with the painkillers or the gel, don't be a stranger. My door is always open for patients."

Tony nods and smiles- he finds it's not entirely fake- then exits the office and makes his way out. The genius hopes he won't have a run in with Fury but he's pretty confident that's as probable as penguins flying over New York, considering where he is and where Director Fury would probably be at this time, not that Tony keeps any tabs on him or anything; that would be illegal.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on who you're asking, Tony does have a run in with someone. That someone happens to be Clint Barton. The guy looks like he's just jumped out of a dumpster after an extended vacation in the smelly pit. His blond hair is longer than a week ago- and how the fuck is that even possible? It's only been a week-, oily and sticking in every which way. The archer has bags so dark under his eyes he could very easily be mistaken for a raccoon and even from a few good feet away Tony can smell the stink coming off of him in waves; it makes Tony want to gag. He's wearing his suit, which shouldn't be surprising since he's at HQ where he probably trains, but his unkempt appearance makes Tony doubt the archer has been doing much of that lately.

"Stark, what are you doing here?" Barton asks, voice devoid of emotion.

"Came for a checkup. I was on my way out, actually."

Barton nods. He looks down at his feet for a while, simply staring at his shoes as if lost in thought. Tony thinks he's not even realizing he's spacing out like that. He used to do that after Afghanistan a lot, too.

"So, uhm, how are you? You know, with the pirate and all," Tony says, awkwardly clearing his throat. He's never felt this awkward since his teenage years but then again he'd been drunk half of the time anyway, especially after his parents' deaths, so he doesn't really remember that much.

Barton startles at Tony's voice, snapping out of whatever thoughts he'd been lost in earlier.

"Good, good. Fury's.. uhh, benched me till this entire mess clears up. But I'm fine, really fine." The archer doesn't meet Tony's eyes when he says it, which is ridiculous- he's an assassin spy whatever thing just like Romanov and _this_ is how he's lying? He's not even trying- and if that weren't enough of a telltale sign of lying, the number of times he's said he's fine sure is.

Now, when Tony got up this morning he wasn't thinking of picking up strays from S.H.I.E.L.D. on his way back to the Tower. However, he _is_ building it to be headquarters for the Avengers eventually and he still has untouched floors he can house at least 3 people in if not more until the Tower is done. So really, it's no surprise when Tony extends Barton an invitation to live at the Tower.

To the blond, however, it is a surprise because his head snaps up in Tony's direction for the second time in the span of two minutes, shock written all over his face in big, bold, red letters.

"You want me to what?" The archer asks in disbelief.

"I don't want you to anything," Tony replies. "I said, if you want to, you can come to live at the Tower with me until you're unbenched. Honestly, you look like shit, and I don't think being reminded of your suspension every day you walk around here and see other agents going about their business while you're forced to sit on your ass is doing any good to your health."

Barton looks at Tony in that strange way Romanov used to for a solid minute. Tony has to fight off the urge to squirm under the scrutiny but he's luckily saved right before it gets to become truly uncomfortable by Barton, whose face clears of the expression and is instead left impassive.

"Sure. Lemme grab my bow and I'm out."

Tony nods and remains waiting for the archer to return. In the mean time, he instructs JARVIS quickly to get someone to arrange one of the spare rooms for Barton before slipping his phone away into his pocket right as said man rounds the corner, bow in hand. He's walking as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and Tony tries not to think about it too much. It does no good to focus on the good deeds, the bad ones always come back to bite him in the ass when he least expects them so what's the point?

Tony nods at him to follow back to the car. They both get in, and as Tony starts the car he tells Barton, "I hope you don't mind the mess. I'm in the process of rebuilding the Tower but there are a few rooms left untouched by the battle that you can live in until it's done."

Barton nods, "Better than the barracks."

Tony looks at him through his sunglasses from the corner of his eyes when the car starts and he drives out of the parking lot but doesn't comment on it. He has more than a few choice words about S.H.I.E.L.D. and their living arrangements for their agents, but he bites down on them; now's not the time.

A few minutes pass by in companionable silence. Only when the Tower comes into view does Barton speak again, his voice quiet and heavy with emotion.

"Thanks, you know. For doing this."

"Don't mention it, Barton. This is as much your home as it is mine. Even if you decide to leave once you're back to work, you can always come back here whenever you want."

"I appreciate that," Barton says. "Oh and call me Clint. None of that 'Barton' bullshit."

A smile quirks Tony's mouth. "Then call me Tony. I hate being called by my last name."

"Sure, Tony."

* * *

  
Two weeks after Clint moves in, JARVIS alerts Tony about one Bruce Banner sitting in the lobby of Avengers Tower. Surprised and slightly excited, Tony won't lie, he rushes down to the lobby to find Bruce standing in the middle of the empty lobby looking lost and unsure. He startles a bit when Tony comes out of the elevator and speaks up.

"Bruce, good to see you!"

"Hi, Tony," Bruce greets with a shy, reserved smile. On anyone else it would look out of place, after all he is a grown man and The Hulk on top of it, but on Bruce it looks right and charming.

"What brings you here?" Tony asks, genuinely curious. Last time he checked, Bruce was in a remote village in South America, camping with the natives and helping them around with medicine and other humanitarian things the man liked to do in his spare time.

Bruce looks nervous and awkward all of a sudden, more so than usual. "I was in the neighborhood and I thought I'd stop by. I heard you were rebuilding the Tower. Avengers Tower, huh? Has a nice ring to it," Bruce says with a wry smile. "I wasn't sure I should visit, though."

Tony's eyebrows go up to his hairline at this. "Why is that? Of course you should. This is the Avengers Tower."

"Well, I'm not really an avenger, am I? The other guy is. Me? Just plain, boring, nerdy Dr. Bruce Banner, expert in Gamma radiation."

"Sure you are an avenger, you silly goose," Tony says, coming up to Bruce and draping his right arm over his shoulders. He guides the doctor back to the elevator, then presses the button to the floor a lab has already been finished on, adding in a ridiculous, low voice as if they're sharing conspiracy theories, "And you know, I actually prefer Bruce Banner over the big guy. You're easier to talk science to."

This makes Bruce smile genuinely this time, ducking his head to hide it until he manages to wipe it off his face.

"Oh and we have a roommate, by the way. Clint's been living here for like two weeks. He comes and goes around the Tower, but be mindful of the vents. He likes to crawl around them."

Bruce merely raises an eyebrow and nods, as if hearing a geniusly good archer, employee of S.H.I.E.L.D. has been living with Tony for the past two weeks and likes to frequent the vents is nothing new. He is, however, amazingly impressed when the elevator doors open and he's greeted by the sight of his brand new lab, equipped with everything the doctor might need (though Tony is just waiting for Bruce to request anything else and order it for him). He takes a minute- or five- to take everything in but when he's finished he turns back to look at Tony.

"Is this.. Did you make it for me?" Bruce asks, his voice breaking slightly. His eyes are wide with wonder and emotion, so much emotion Tony can't handle it. It's not much, really it isn't, especially not for Tony but somewhere at the back of his genius mind he _can_ admit that not everyone would go to the lengths Tony has gone to to design every floor for each individual avenger, trying to match it to everyone's needs and requirements.

"Yeah. I told you, Avengers Tower. Had to make it suitable for each of you." Tony's voice is dismissive but his eyes are everything but. He knows this, that's why he wears sunglasses so often when he goes out or to conferences; his eyes give him away. And Bruce knows it too, because he's looking right in Tony's eyes when Tony speaks, knowing what to look for. It's embarrassing how quickly he got close to the scientist on the Hellicarrier those three weeks ago, but he's got close to the guy in a way he hasn't to another person in so very long.

"Thank you, Tony," Bruce says with a smile. He doesn't hug Tony because that would make this very awkward and he knows Tony isn't usually that keen on physical affection from people, but also because Bruce isn't either. But the smile and the nod he receives from the man are enough to convey the meaning behind them and Tony smiles back, his eyes glinting with excitement. He's got his Science Bro back!

"Let's get you set up," Tony says excitedly.

* * *

  
Tony isn't really sure exactly _when_ Romanov moves in. If he had to guess, he'd say about a week or so after Bruce did but she might've been here from the start and he would be none the wiser. The fact that one day he stumbles upon her while coming up for a bottle of cool water after being locked up in his workshop for three days straight- which has _nothing_ to do with Pepper, JARVIS- remains.

At first, Tony's not sure if he's seeing right or if the lack of sleep and proper food has finally got to him and he's hallucinating. Because there she is, sitting on a stool at his kitchen counter, peeling an apple with something Tony suspects- no, scratch that, he _knows_ \- is one of her daggers. She's dressed casually, in a pair of sweatpants which Tony could swear has seen on Bruce just last week after they mysteriously disappeared in the laundry and a worn out t-shirt of his. The woman seems nonplussed by Tony's presence or the look of absolute confusion he's sporting.

Tony grabs his water bottle from the fridge with slow, deliberate movements, keeping his eyes carefully trained on the assassin, fearing she'd disappear the minute he turns his back on her. By the time he retrieves the bottle and faces Romanov again, she's finished peeling the apple and is now cutting small pieces of it to pop into her mouth. She's looking at him with a raised eyebrow but doesn't say anything. If he's being fair, she kinda scares Tony. Of course, he would never tell _her_ that, but the fact remains.

"Uhm, hi?" Tony says, his voice rising at the end and making it sound like a question. Romanov nods at him and says 'hi' back.

"How long have you, uh, been here?"

"A while," she answers. Great, cryptic answers, just what he needed. Annoyance levels rising, Tony forgets his- small- fear for a second.

"Oh you know what? I don't even care. Just clean up after yourself and try not to destroy the Tower, I've just about finished rebuilding it," Tony exclaims, throwing his arms in the air and stalking towards the exit. Right as he is about to walk out and enter the elevator, Romanov's voice reaches his ears: "Thank you, Tony."

Tony pointedly doesn't reply.

* * *

  
A month and a half after the Battle of New York the Tower is ready. The design is different this time round, Tony having built five additional living floors for the rest of the avengers, aside from his own penthouse. He's also built two gyms, a regular one for when Tony or Bruce feel like exercising and a reinforced one for the other four members. In addition, there is a common floor equipped with a living room, a kitchen and a bathroom, as well as a floor designed for meetings, conferences and the like. The rest is SI related floors, the lobby and an underground interrogation room.

Tony is pretty proud of himself if he's being honest. However, the sadness he feels clawing at his chest when he thinks about the fact that Pepper had been supposed to be by his side through all of it makes him double over in pain every time he does. For the past month and a half he's been able to distract himself with the suit or the building or spending time with Bruce in his lab or Clint and Romanov- _Natasha_ she said- in the gym or in the lounge. But now that he doesn't have anything to keep his mind occupied with, Tony finds himself remembering the good times- and the bad-, feeling his heart break all over again.

It's not like he hasn't been expecting this from the start because he has. Before the start even began, he always saw the end and how spectacularly it would all blow up in his face. But he can't deny the small sliver of hope he has held onto during his relationship with Pep, thinking that maybe for once in his life he wasn't going to screw things up.

But really, Tony doesn't begrudge her for leaving him. Thinking back on it, he can admit their relationship was too much take and too little give on Tony's part. No, he doesn't hold it against Pepper for choosing what is best for her. He holds it against himself. If he had been more attentive, if he had been more capable of human contact, if he had been more careful, if he had been more...

Because these thoughts have started keeping him up at night, and because no amount of distraction manages to push them away, Tony goes back to an old buddy of his- the bottle of scotch. Objectively, he knows it's not the best option; the alcohol won't solve anything, won't turn back time and definitely won't bring Pepper back- this is exactly the reason she left in the first place- but his thoughts are just too loud and his head is pounding with a migraine that has been going on for days now and he just wants a break from everything. It feels like the walls he has built around himself are caving it, threatening to fall on his head and crush him under their weight. He needs a respite, a chance to breathe freely without the pressure of his failures and the expectations of others weighing him down, and alcohol can offer just that.

Mind made up, Tony grabs a bottle from his personal cabinet, then heads up to the roof and plops down in a chair facing the city, bottle in hand. He spends the rest of the night there, slowly sipping- _gulping_ \- from it and just staring at the lights casting shadows over his face and focusing on the noise of traffic and people down below on the streets.

Tony wakes up to a bucket of icy cold water being dumped on his head, making him jump in alert at the feeling. Disoriented and confused, for a moment he thinks he's back in the cave in Afghanistan, being tortured by drowning and having to hold onto the car battery for dear life. The genius instinctively brings up his hands to his chest, fingers clawing at his soaked shirt to get a feel of the arc reactor. When skin meets the metal edge of the reactor his heartbeat slows down and he can breathe properly again. Mini-panic attack over, his vision clears and Tony focuses on the culprit standing in front of him. Natasha is standing with her arms crossed over her chest, seemingly unaware of the absolute panic that had taken over him.

Tony gets his bearings and shoots a glare in the spy's direction. "What the hell, Romanov?"

"You were drunk off your ass and you wouldn't wake up. I had to wake you somehow." Tony's glare intensifies. "Besides, Steve's here. He's waiting in the lobby to speak to you."

Tony does a double take. "What, Steve as in Steve Rogers as in Captain Underpants, ultimate boy scout?" Natasha nods. "I thought he had run off into the sunset with that decrepit bike of his, 'rediscovering America and himself'."

"He had," Natasha agrees, handing him a towel to dry his hair. Tony takes it but it's not doing anything much to help, he needs a shower. "But he's back and wants to see you. Now take a shower and go down to meet him."

Natasha's voice leaves no room for argument and though this is technically Tony's building, despite its name, and isn't obligated to listen to anyone, he complies and heads to his penthouse for a quick shower. His head is aching dully but the hot water is helping ease it. In no time at all he's out of the shower and into new, fresh clothes from his closet. He combs his fingers through his still damp hair and gives himself a once over in the mirror before taking the elevator down to the lobby. Ste- _Rogers_ is waiting for him on one of the couches he set up there, elbows perched on his knees and fiddling with his thumbs nervously.

The blond's head snaps in Tony's direction when the elevator opens with a ding and Tony steps out. Tony lifts a hand to adjust his sunglasses on his face when he realizes he forgot them and instead runs a hand through his hair in an attempt to distract from his intention. Tony walks up to Cap and shakes his hand when the man stands up, nodding at Tony.

"Hello, Tony."

"Cap. What brings you here?"

Rogers' face takes on an unsure expression, eyes flickering downward, his posture turning awkward. For a second, Tony gets a flashback of the scrawny kid he saw in the soldier's file all that time ago but he shakes his head to get rid of it.

"Come on, Cap. Chop chop, I don't got all day. Out with it," Tony makes an impatient gesture with his hands.

The blond heaves a sigh and lifts his head to meet Tony's eyes, his jaw set in determination. "I've just got back in town and I heard from an agent at S.H.I.E.L.D. that both Clint and Natasha, as well as Dr. Banner are residing in your Tower. I wanted to check up on you all."

Somehow, Tony doesn't believe that's all it is. There's something in Rogers' expression, in his posture, maybe even in his eyes that gives him away. Tony thinks he knows what the other man has left unsaid, and though he still irritates Tony with his righteousness and American Freedom and all that jazz, Tony can't deny that Cap _is_ an avenger, maybe even their leader, and he has just as much a right to come live here if he wants to as all the others.

"This isn't _my_ Tower. Yeah, sure, I built it and I run it and I'm in charge of everything, including the bills, but in case you haven't noticed the big, shiny sign outside, it says 'Avengers' now. That's why people are living here. So, if you've had enough of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s depressing excuse for living quarters and you're done with your little self discovering trip, you can move in any time you want." Rogers seems amazed though the furrow in his brow tells Tony he's about to say something to refuse. Tony doesn't know why the thought of the old pain in the ass refusing him makes his chest constrict but he pipes in before the man can do it, "Or, you can camp here for a few days or weeks or however long you want and leave. You can come back any time you want, the floor is yours anyway."

"I..," Rogers is at a loss for words. "Thank you, Tony."

Tony dismisses it with a flick of his wrist. "Come on, now. Let me show you to your floor. You can change anything you want in it, from the colour of the walls to the furniture and anything in between. Just tell me and I'll pay for it," Tony tells Rogers when they enter the elevator. Tony presses the button to the floor right beneath his penthouse- no, there is no reason for that, just coincidence, shut up JARVIS, you're too smart for your own good- then leans against the wall, his hands in his pockets.

Rogers turns to him with a small smile, friendlier than Tony's ever seen directed at him. Tony's taken aback for a moment, unsure if he's dreaming or not.

"I don't think that'll be necessary, Tony. But thanks, I'll keep it in mind."

When they reach Rogers' floor, Tony doesn't step out. "I'll leave you to it, then. Explore, go nuts. Tell JARVIS to call up a van to bring your stuff in when you want to. I'll be in my workshop- it's on the 10th floor- so if you need anything that's where you can find me."

Tony closes the elevator doors before he can realize Rogers doesn't really know _who_ JARVIS is, but his erratically beating heart doesn't allow Tony to care about that now. The old man can figure it out himself.

Tony slumps down in his chair as soon as he enters the workshop, patting Dum-E's hand when he whirs up to him questioningly. "Bring up the schematics for the Mark 254, JARV," Tony intones with a sigh.

* * *

  
Tony loses himself in the planning for a new suit, barely noticing the passing of time. Because of this, he's startled out of pondering over where to put an oxygen tank- it may or may not have something to do with the possibility of having been left stranded in space a month and a half ago- by JARVIS, announcing an incoming call from Pepper. He considers letting it go to voicemail but they haven't seen each other or talked since the hospital and he did promise they would remain friends.

"Patch her through," Tony tells JARVIS, mentally preparing himself for the onslaught of feelings he's about to experience once he hears Pep's voice.

"Hi, Tony," Pepper greets. Her voice has a hint of nervousness in it but she's hiding it well. Tony wouldn't have noticed if he weren't looking for it.

"Sup, Pep? Everything okay?" Tony picks up a screwdriver and starts tinkering with the Mark 253's gauntlet to distract himself. He knows it's rude but Pepper is used to it.

"Yeah. I've just flown in for an SI meeting in New York and I thought we could grab lunch tomorrow afterwards?"

Tony's hand stills on the screwdriver. His heart is pounding in his chest and a sheen of sweat forms on his forehead. Can he do this? Can he meet up with Pepper and grab lunch with her and ignore the fact that it's super strictly platonic now?

"Tony?" Pepper asks hesitantly, snapping Tony out of his internal crisis.

Tony clears his throat. "Sure, Pep. Meet you at 12 at your favourite place?"

"Yeah," Pepper exhales. "Thank you, Tony."

"It's nothing. See you tomorrow," Tony dismisses. "JARVIS, cut the call."

The call ends after Pepper's soft "see you" and it leaves deafening silence in its place. There's a crushing weight settled deep in Tony's chest, making it hard for Tony to breathe. He tries to take a breath through the haze that he can feel coming to wrap around him but he realizes with panic that he can't. His short intakes of air turn into desperate gasps, and the genius falls to his knees on the floor, clawing at his shirt and throat, trying in vain to get some air in. As if in a dream he can feel pain blossoming on his throat and something getting under his nails but he doesn't focus on that, he _can't_ focus on it because he needs to breathe but his lungs won't work and he's gonna die, oh my god he's gonna die here all alone on the floor of his workshop like a pathetic idiot.

Suddenly a pair of arms takes hold of Tony's shoulders and lifts him up a little to look the owner in the eye. Rogers' blurry face comes into view, a concerned pinch to his forehead and his mouth opening and closing around words, sounds Tony can't hear. Seeming to realize talking doesn't help, Rogers takes one of Tony's trembling hands and presses it to his own chest, starting to breathe deliberately in careful, calculated breaths. This helps Tony follow the movements of the other man's chest, slowly managing to copy them, breathing coming back to normal.

Tony's ears pop and ring for a second, bringing back sound. Rogers is muttering encouraging words and his own small, shallow breaths are the only thing interrupting his voice.

With a sudden exhaustion dumping itself on his body all of a sudden, Tony slumps forward against Rogers. The blond doesn't hesitate to pull him closer and wrap his arms around him. It should bother him more, maybe even make him embarrassed to be held by Steve Rogers on the floor of his workshop after such a bad panic attack, but Tony can't bring himself to care that much. Cap holds him for a while, not moving a muscle as if afraid he's gonna scare Tony away. When Tony feels as if he won't fall face first once he stands up he pulls away slowly from the embrace and wipes at his damp eyes- when did he start crying?

"Sorry for uhm, wetting your shirt, Rogers." The man shakes his head vigorously.

"It's fine, don't worry. Are you okay?"

Tony sighs. "I don't know. I am, now."

Rogers nods. "Come on, get up and wash your face." Tony obliges, standing up on shaky legs with the help of Cap. He guides Tony to the sink in the corner of his workshop and Tony washes his face with cold water. He towels himself and turns back to Cap.

"How did you.." he doesn't need to finish.

"JARVIS told me you were in distress and guided me here."

Tony nods mutely. "You can go back to whatever you were doing, Cap. I'm okay here."

"If you're sure," Cap says. He turns around to leave but not before saying, "You can call me Steve."

When Rogers is almost out of the workshop Tony calls out, "Thanks, Steve." Steve doesn't turn around but Tony knows he heard him by the minute nod he gives him before leaving.

Tony turns around, going back to the mirror and inspecting his reflection. There are dark circles under his eyes, his beard is bigger than he ever leaves it and his hair is so long he can probably do a man bun with it- he shudders at the thought- and it's sticking in all directions. In short: he looks like a walking advertisement for a morgue.

A sting on his neck draws Tony's attention to it and he notices four scratches along it that look a lot like nail marks. Tony looks down at his own nails and sees bits of skin and blood caked under them, remembering the thought he had at the back of his mind during his panic attack. Tony washes his hands making sure to get everything out from under his nails then disinfects the scratches on his neck and covers them with a bandage.

"JARVIS, is there any chance I can cancel the lunch meeting with Pepper and survive?" Tony asks with a sigh, heading to his worktable and picking up a screw.

"I am afraid not, Sir. Miss Potts seemed adamant she meets you tomorrow at noon and I am 98.88% sure she would personally come to the Tower for you."

"Thought so," Tony mumbles. He presses his hands to his eyes, rubbing until white spots cloud his vision then he plops down on his chair and puts his head in his hands, remaining like that for the next half hour.

* * *

  
The next day comes faster than Tony would like. He wakes up to the sound of Black Sabbath's 'Iron Man', making him snap his head so fast Tony thinks he's just about broken his neck. He groans and rubs it, regretting having fallen asleep on his worktable last night.

"JARVIS, time," Tony says, closing his eyes for a second.

"Currently it is 11:24 AM. You are due to meet Miss Potts in exactly 35 minutes and 38 seconds and counting."

"Shit," Tony curses under his breath, scrambling unceremoniously from his seat and rushing up to his penthouse. He gets in and out of the shower in record time, throwing on a pair of clean jeans and a Hulk hoodie (Christmas present from Pepper last year), before hurrying downstairs to get in one of his cars. Tony grabs his favourite pair of shades just as he's about to exit his bedroom.

It's 11:53 when Tony gets in the car. He curses again, knowing full well that with the traffic of New York he'll surely be late. Just as expected, the traffic is a bitch and he's stuck there for ten minutes before the cars start to move. The restaurant he's meeting Pepper at is in view, making Tony whoop with joy. Not three minutes later he's out of the car, throwing his keys at a random valet and striding in, not even bothering to announce himself and going right where he knows Pepper's favourite spot is.

"You're late," Pepper tells Tony as he approaches her table, though a smile is curving her red lips.

"A Stark is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to," Tony replies, drawing a chair back and sitting down. He takes his shades off, tucking them neatly against the collar of his hoodie and shoots her a dazzling smile.

"Of course. Sometimes all the glitz and glamour of being a Stark makes me forget how much of a nerd you are, Tony."

"Wow, suddenly I can't hear."

Pepper shakes her head. "Let's order."

The meal goes well, as well as it could anyway. It's the first time they've seen each other in a month and a half, and it's the first time they've hung out as friends after the breakup. There is a little awkwardness here and there, and there are certain subjects which they do not touch upon, but for the most part it's normal and easy. Tony finds himself falling into their usual rhythm, barely even noticing that sinking feeling in his chest, the neverending pit of despair. It shouldn't be a surprise how easy it is for Tony to be around Pepper, she's the kind of person not to let things like a breakup get in the way of a friendship. Her professionalism is astounding, even in her personal life.

"So, I've heard you've got roommates," Pepper mentions while she munches on a piece of garlic bread. It comes out too casual for it to be anything but, however Tony lets it pass. He can realize she's genuinely interested in his life, and knowing her she'll most likely be overjoyed to hear Tony's got so many people in the Tower to keep him company when he comes out of his cave.

"Yeah. That's what I redesigned the Tower for, after all. And they also just kind of turned up. I swear I have no idea when Natasha moved in. But it's uh," Tony casts his eyes down self consciously, "it's nice, not being alone I mean. They're a weird bunch, but I suppose they're family or something that seems to be going in that direction. Not that I'm getting ahead of myself, but it's a nice thought."

Tony feels a little awkward looking at Pepper after that little speech but curiosity is gnawing at him, wanting to see her reaction. When he does, Pepper's face has taken on a soft look, small smile gracing her features.

"I'm happy to hear that, Tony. I'm relieved to know you're not left alone to yourself. Try not to push them away, I think they need you just as much as you need them."

Tony doesn't really know what to say to that, so he doesn't. She's right, at least for the first part. It _is_ just like him to push people away when they start getting too close, especially now after their breakup. Trusting people has never been easy, especially trusting them not to betray him or leave. But he's trying. He knows it's time to stop assuming, to start giving people credit and trusting they're not going to break his heart. And if he's left trying to pick up the pieces of said heart sometimes, then Tony guesses it's worth it in the end for those few times his heart remains intact.

They don't talk too much after that, just Tony asking about things at SI and letting Pepper know he's gonna try to be there more for meetings and charities and other stuff that requires his attendance. Pepper is surprised but doesn't push it, she's just grateful for the cooperation. An hour later they part ways in front of the restaurant, Happy coming to pick Pepper up and take her to her hotel to pack up and leave for Malibu. They hug goodbye and Tony squeezes her tightly, breathing in her perfume and shampoo. It's a comforting smell, but Tony finds himself letting her finally go as well. He knows it's just the first step towards getting over her and being okay with the way things are, but it's something. Baby steps.

They part ways, Tony promising to call her more and Pepper promising to visit as often as her schedule allows it. Tony watches her get in the car and drive away, his heart clenching just a little but a small weight also lifting off his shoulders. Meeting with her has been a good idea in the end.

Tony gets in his car as well, driving back to the Tower, eager to visit Bruce in the lab and make some experiments. He's in a 'blow shit up for fun and also science' mood and Bruce is just the right partner for that.

* * *

  
After three hours of making up progressively more insane and stupid ways to mix things and see them blow to pieces in Bruce's lab, Tony and the scientist come down to the communal kitchen to grab a tub of ice cream and watch a movie. They get there and see that they're not alone. Steve is trying- and failing, by the looks of it- to work the coffee machine, with Clint leaning on the counter with a bowl of cereal in front of him, not even bothering to hide his shit eating grin as he watches Steve. The poor guy is getting steadily more frustrated and Tony intervenes before he can start throwing his shield at the poor kitchen robot.

"Here, Steve. Lemme show you," Tony says, gaining the other man's attention. Slowly and patiently, he shows Cap how to make coffee with the machine, watching closely for his reaction. Steve remains silent through the explanation, nodding dutifully here and there. He looks relieved and far more relaxed than before, so Tony exhales softly.

"Thank you, Tony," Steve smiles gratefully at him. His smile is small and soft, lighting up his entire face. The blond seems so earnest and god damn _honest_ about it, making it look so pure and adorable- which are adjectives Tony has never expected he'd use to describe Captain America, what the fuck is wrong with him?

"It's nothing," Tony replies, opening the door to the freezer. "Anyone else want ice cream?"

"I do," Natasha says striding in. Tony doesn't even question how she got here just in time, having resigned himself to the fact that Natasha is simply everywhere and anywhere at all times.

"Same," Clint mumbles around a spoonful of cereal.

"Steve?" Bruce asks in his usual soft voice that seems to carry around even the loudest of rooms.

"Yeah, sure," the supersoldier replies, his voice distracted as he's watching the coffee maker intently.

Tony grabs two tubs of ice cream, then remembering they've got a supersoldier in their midst who can eat two tubs all on his own, grabs two more just to be sure. Bruce gets the spoons and they all go in the lounge. Tony, Bruce and Steve settle on the couch- the latter with a cup of coffee he's very proud of in hand- while Natasha perches on the armchair nearest the couch with Clint plopping down on the carpet at her feet.

They start digging in while JARVIS puts on _The Little Mermaid_ because Steve has been trying to catch up to everything he's missed and Disney is currently on his list so why the hell not? Despite all of them having seen the movie at least ten times throughout their childhood, they're quickly immersed in the story unfolding on the screen. Sometime during the movie Tony leans against Steve on the couch and at some point the blond puts his left arm around Tony's shoulders as well.

No one mentions it, though Bruce is smiling in that secretive way of his when he catches Tony's eye. Tony mouths back an indignant "what?", complete with a terrible blush that- thankfully- cannot be seen in the dark of the room but Bruce only shakes his head with a silent chuckle and mouths back, "nothing". Feeling self-conscious, Tony looks around the room at the other two, trying to see if anyone else has noticed and if they're giving him weird looks. Fortunately, that isn't the case and Tony exhales softly.

Later in the evening, when everyone has fallen asleep where they were and Steve is still enraptured by _Lady and The Tramp_ , Tony sleepily snuggles closer to the warm body, half lying on the blond's body with his feet in Bruce's lap.

* * *

  
After that night, something shifts in their dynamic- both the team's as a whole, and Tony and Steve's. As a team, they come out of their rooms (or labs in Bruce's case and workshops in Tony's) more often, they start having breakfast together or at least in pairs and groups when someone is missing. Movie night becomes a thing, and what at first starts as a weekly tradition turns into an almost nightly one. This way, Tony finds out he's not the only one suffering from nightmares, insomnia or other mental health issues, which makes him stop feeling like the odd one out, and prompts him to get closer to the team.

As for his and Steve's relationship, Steve takes to coming down to Tony's workshop almost daily. To Tony's surprise, though since he now knows better it shouldn't have been, Steve isn't as clueless about technology as people seem to think he is (he mentions his father's Stark Expo back in the 40's one day, which is when Steve learns that bringing Howard up in front of Tony is a no-no). Sure, some stuff goes right over his head and certain terms (well, most terms) confuse the hell out of the guy. But the supersoldier actually likes science- though he's not that good at it, his words- and one day shyly asks Tony if he could explain things to him as he works on whatever upgrades for the suit or the others' equipment he has on hand. At first, Tony is reluctant but he finds he has to dumb down a lot less than he has expected. As a matter of fact, explaining things to Steve as he goes along with his work actually helps him sort things out faster and not forget anything anymore- as opposed to before, when he had to make JARVIS record his mumbling and make notes of his ideas to go over later when he forgot something.

On the days Tony gets too absorbed in his science to explain things to Steve or when the latter isn't exactly in a sciencey mood, Steve sits back on Tony's couch and draws in his sketchbook- the same one he was using all that time ago in Tony's hospital room. The man doesn't seem to mind Tony's quietness when he gets in those moods, or his neverending stream of babbling the rest of the time, actually managing to keep up with all the nonsense not even Tony's brain can. Steve gets this soft look on his face- Tony would almost dare call it fond- when Tony starts babbling, either in excitement or anxiety, even succeeding in cutting him off or talking over him to stop Tony from being so anxious or running his mouth dry.

On top of everything else, Steve takes care of Tony in such a way that it's not even obvious to the brunet until later on. Every time he comes down to the workshop he brings with him a plate of sandwiches or a bag of fast food from Tony's favourite joint. When the man gets hungry- which is always suspiciously at the same time Tony would be supposed to eat dinner- he orders a pizza or goes upstairs to cook something and brings two plates with him back down. Steve doesn't always drag Tony up to his penthouse for sleep- only when he's being a stubborn genius who won't sleep even after 72 hours or more without it- but instead finds sneaky ways to get him to nap for at least two or three hours on the couch.

What Tony is most surprised by though, is the fact that Steve _enjoys_ Tony's music. Not only that, but he also sometimes asks JARVIS to turn the volume up a little higher and even demanding that a song plays a second time. Looking back on it now, Tony thinks that's the moment he fell in love with Steve Rogers.

Which is another problem. No matter how hard Tony's tried these past few days since the dawning realization has struck him, he can't figure out for the life of him how to get rid of these feelings. He's tried talking to Pepper about it- no matter how awkward it felt- but she just smiled fondly and told Tony to get his head out of his ass and ask Steve out. Of course, that's the worst piece of advice in the history of pieces of advice, Pepper, so Tony called his other best friend, Rhodey. Naturally, Rhodey yelled at Tony for waking him up at 2 in the morning for fucking love dilemmas, really Tones?? and promptly hung up the phone (Tony tried dialing back but it went straight to voicemail).

Now, with both of his best friends having left him alone to rot in his confusing feelings, Tony has taken to shutting himself up in his workshop and refusing to give access to anyone. Tony knows, objectively, that it might not be the most reasonable of approaches- or mature, for that matter, Sir- but until he's got this whole mess sorted out Tony is confident he can survive on tap water and cans of boiled bins.

Because Tony isn't particularly known for his luck, his plan of 'hide and hope these feelings go away' falls through three days in. By then, he smells so bad he thinks the entire Tower can feel it, the dark circles under his eyes are so prominent he looks no different than Clint did back at S.H.I.E.L.D. and Tony is positive if he has one more spoon of canned, boiled bins he'll throw up his intestines.

That's when Steve comes barging in, somehow overriding the restrictions Tony's put up in place and screaming bloody murder at Tony. The genius feels his heart fall into his stomach at having made Steve angry at him after so much time spent laughing and joking around, being _friends_ \- Tony would dare say best friends- so he doesn't say anything, doesn't argue, just follows Steve up to his penthouse and gets into a shower while the blond waits for him to finish in his bedroom.

It takes an embarrassingly long time for Tony to manage to get clean and smelling fresh, almost falling asleep three times in the shower, but JARVIS is there to wake him up every time, reminding him that Steve is waiting. The brunet towels himself and gets out in a pair of cotton pajama pants and an Iron Man t-shirt, finding Steve right where he left him. Steve looks at Tony, seemingly assessing how clean he is, then nods and motions for him to follow into Tony's personal kitchen where a plate of steaming Peking Duck is waiting. Tony goes up to the table, sits down and eats. The dish is delicious, which is no wonder since Steve made it and he's an excellent cook- what _can't_ the man do?- and Tony eats it in record time. Steve hands him a glass of water when he's finished before putting the plate and the fork in the dishwasher.

Afterwards, Steve guides Tony back to his bedroom, making sure the latter gets in bed and remains there then plops down in an armchair by his side with a book in his hands.

"Are you staying?" Tony asks, his voice small, afraid he's upset Steve too much already.

"Yes. Do you not want me to?" Steve asks back, looking at him over the top of his book. Tony shakes his head.

"No, it's alright. Stay..if you want."

Steve nods then goes back to the book. Everything is silent for a while but Tony can't seem to fall asleep. He has the urge to toss and turn in his bed but he doesn't want to annoy Steve so he stays put. After what Tony guesses is ten minutes though it feels like a lifetime, Tony breaks the silence.

"How did you get inside?"

Steve startles out of his book but sighs. "Of course you're not asleep." He pinches the bridge of his nose. "JARVIS let me in."

"I'm sorry, sir, but the **Steve Rogers Protocol** you have set up in place three weeks ago forces me to give access to Captain Rogers when your wellbeing is put in danger," JARVIS' voice doesn't sound the least apologetic.

"Right, I forgot about that." Tony sighs and closes his eyes for a second. "Are you mad at me?" he asks a beat of silence later.

"No, Tony," Steve sighs. "I'm angry and upset you've been neglecting yourself and avoiding me, but I'm not mad at _you_. Could you maybe tell me what I did to make you distance yourself from me?" Steve asks, not even trying to hide the hurt in his voice. It breaks Tony's heart to hear it, and he instantly regrets having avoided the blond even if it was for only three days.

"I'm sorry, Steve," Tony says, voice weary. "You didn't do anything. Something...happened," he settles for, "and I didn't know how to react to it so I did what I always do best: hide and avoid until it hopefully goes away. It wasn't fair to you and I'm sorry if you felt like it was your fault."

Steve is silent for a while, gazing at Tony with such a heartbroken expression it makes Tony guilty. Then he speaks again.

"Why didn't you ask for my help? I thought we were friends, maybe I could've helped you. And even if I couldn't have, at least I would've been there for you, by your side while you figured out what to do."

Tony's mind stutters to a halt. Should he take this window of opportunity to confess? Is this the right thing to do? But what if he's wrong? What if that's only what Steve sees Tony as, friends? 'Get your head out of your ass and ask Steve out,' Pepper's voice yells at Tony in his head. Oh screw it.

"Well, you see.. it's kind of hard to talk to someone you think, actually no- _know_ \- you're in love with about that same exact issue."

Steve stares at Tony for a long time. Tony gets uncomfortable and anxious, fearing rejection. After too long has passed, Tony begins to worry he's broken Captain America but that fear is put to rest when the man jumps from his seat, crosses the short distance between the armchair and Tony's bed and gets right up in Tony's space, intent evident. Despite Tony's confession, Steve still looks at him for permission and Tony nods vigorously before Steve's lips land hungrily on Tony's. The kiss is far from perfect, Steve biting Tony's lower lip on accident and their noses bumping against each other until they figure out how to best do it but Tony loves every second of it.

They both come out breathless, staring at each other with so much awe and happiness and love Tony fears he's going to get cavities from all the sweetness. Steve chuckles and takes Tony's hand, rubbing circles on it with his thumb.

"I've always.. I've never thought.. I mean I hoped and dreamed but it didn't seem possible.. but here you are and we've..." Steve's babbling, words and sentences being left hanging in the air with no coherence but Tony understands what he's trying to say despite that.

"So what you want to tell me is that you love me too but thought I didn't?"

Steve nods, a blush tainting his cheeks, but he's still smiling so stupidly, with a lovestruck expression on his face. He looks too damn adorable and irresistible, and since now he doesn't have to restrain himself any longer, Tony takes the stupid idiot's face in his hands and kisses him again just because he can.

A yawn from Tony breaks the kiss, Steve looking pointedly at him.

"Get some sleep, we can talk more after."

"But talking isn't what I wanna do," Tony replies while wagging his eyebrows. This, as expected, makes Steve blush again which makes Tony, in turn, giggle like a kid. Steve sobers up and with a mock-stern look puts Tony to bed. Tony's about to protest but Steve gets in bed with him, pulling the blanket up over both of them and holding Tony's back against his chest. Tony relaxes in his hold and sighs contentedly, falling asleep in record time.

* * *

  
Tony wakes up the next day at 9:27 beside one Steven Grant Rogers. Their legs are tangled under the blankets, Steve's mouth is open in a silent snore and his hair is disheveled, sprawling beautifully like a halo on his pillow. Tony smiles so big his face hurts but he can't help it.

"JARVIS, take a picture and put it in my personal folder," Tony whispers.

"Already done, Sir," the AI replies in a whisper as well.

Steve stirs in his sleep before he opens those beautiful blue eyes of his to gaze at Tony in such wonder Tony bets the blond has thought he'd dreamt last night.

"Morning, beautiful," Tony greets, smiling, then plants a kiss on Steve's mouth. Steve makes a noise of agreement at the back of his throat but doesn't interrupt the kiss, putting his hand on Tony's waist and pulling him closer.

"I'm hungry," Tony says when they pull apart.

"Let's go down for breakfast." Steve gets up and runs a hand through his hair, taming it immediately. "Or.. I can make something here if you prefer that." He doesn't outright say what he means, but Tony has had so much experience with doubt he can practically feel it. He gets up as well and changes his clothes in his bathroom before coming back out.

"No, let's go down."

Steve beams at Tony with so much happiness Tony just has to kiss him again.

They arrive at the kitchen to see everyone already gathered there, breakfast almost ready for serving. Tony is holding Steve's hand, but if that wasn't a clue already, their huge smiles sure are. Natasha smiles at them, as well as Bruce, but Clint's face falls. Panic takes over Tony for a minute until the archer opens his mouth.

"Dammit, couldn't you have waited another day?" Clint says, before angrily taking out a 20 dollar bill and handing it to Natasha. Bruce chuckles while Nat smirks, pocketing the money.

"So you're betting on our lives now?" Tony asks, tone chipper, as he slides on a stool next to Steve- they continue holding hands.

"We're bored," Natasha answers. She puts two plates in front of them before sitting down as well. "Now shut up and eat. You might want to stop holding hands for a few minutes for that."

Clint makes a gagging noise, mumbling something like, "married couple" and "lovesick idiots". Natasha kicks his legs wordlessly, a smile on her face.

"Shut up," Tony tells him for good measure, blushing faintly but retracting his hand from Steve's hold and digging in. Beside him, Steve does the same. Throughout the meal, Tony keeps sneaking glances at Steve, smiling at him whenever the blond catches his eye. There is some eye rolling from the others but the pair couldn't honestly care any less. In reality, the others are happy for them, Tony knows it, and soon the focus shifts from their brand new relationship to the fact that Fury hasn't called them in after the Battle of New York yet with Thor still being MIA. After the topic runs dry, the team dissolves into friendly banter which leads to Clint facing up against Steve in an attempt to prove Hawkeye could take down Captain America no problem. No one is surprised when Clint gets his ass handed to him.

Tony stands back, watching the others laugh and tease Clint. He can't help the emotions taking over, the fondness, the love, the protectiveness. Sure, he's in a relationship with Steve now- sorta, kinda, maybe? They still have stuff to talk about and clarify but later- and Tony has found a family in these weirdos, but he also knows the hardships this kind of thing brings. Fights and disagreements are bound to happen and they will hurt more because they'll come from people close to him, but Tony honestly stands by that thought he had back at his lunch meeting with Pepper. Getting his heart broken a few times is worth it if in the end he has all these amazing people by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I got it okay. I'm sorry if the Stony part wasn't that long, but making it Tony-centric just felt right. I will try to write something more Stony-centric next time, though.
> 
> Feedback is always welcome so feel free to do it. As always, English isn't my first language so there may have been mistakes.


End file.
